I'll Hold You in Heaven (Squishy's Story)

For anyone who didn't know, almost 2 weeks ago, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. Dan wasn't convinced just yet because the line wasn't very dark and I was apprehensive because I'd never experienced the line not getting darker with time.

To try to make a long story short I took at least one test a day for the next few days and the line never got darker.

I went and had a blood test done and the numbers (after two days of waiting) were in the ballpark of where they should be so I began to get excited.

We began to tell people and the girls were so excited. They wanted to give the baby a nickname and "Squishy" became the name - it's out of the movie "Nemo".

Then just a week and a day after taking the first test, I began having spotting which got heavier and lasted 4 days. It was heavy enough at times to make me really worry that all hope was lost.

However, at times throughout, I felt tremendous peace that everything was ok. As you probably know, I have to really work hard at not stressing and worrying about medical/health issues so this was a really tough time. I really wanted this little baby but something in me was afraid that if the pregnancy continued, there might be problems with the pregnancy/baby and it litlerally had my blood pressure up and my body stressed to the max.

Even after giving it to God, I still kept taking it back and worrying and stressing, but overall, I knew that we'd be ok and would get through it.

Tuesday I went in for an ultrasound and nothing was detected - no sac, no nothing. They drew blood at the Dr.'s office and told me to come back today for another draw and they would compare numbers.

Rand and I went in today and were told that the doctor was going to call me this afternoon but since we were there, he would come out and talk to me. I knew that that meant that either the numbers were exactly where they should be and so there was no need for further testing or that they were so low that there was no need for further testing. It was the latter.

After almost an hour of waiting, he came and let me go just inside the double doors to tell me that it was an early miscarriage. He's putting no restrictions on me and said that the good thing is we know I can get pregnant. It's God's way and the body's way of taking care of things if there's something not right with the baby. I have to say that if it has to happen I'd rather it happen earlier than later.

And so little Squishy Caboose, We love you and we miss you and we can't wait to meet you in heaven.

I'm Still Here

I have put this off so many times, I guess because I feel like writing it makes it so. Even though it is so. Here goes, Anyone who knows me, knows or knows of my friend Jenna. She is a friend anyone would be blessed to have and I am blessed to call her my friend.

We have known each other four years now - we met shortly after moving to Tennessee. We hang out, watch each others children, laugh, cry, do life together. And our children are friends.

For 3 or more weeks, Jenna began to feel sick. Over time it got worse. I remember her saying she had no energy, and even that she felt like she was dying. I remember saying that she should go see the doctor and she said she was afraid to "but she did go" and that she felt like the cancer was back.

After a long wait for blood test results, she got a call telling her to hurry to the emergency room where she spent too many hours only to finally be admitted into the hospital. She was there four days waiting and wondering. She had a blood transfusion and platelets and a bone marrow draw only to be told that it was either leukemia or a virus.

They wanted to send her straight to Vanderbuilt but someone there had mercy on her and allowed her to go home and spend a few days with her children - Ashlee, Kaitlin and Jake. She had been able to see and nurse Jake in the hospital but hadn't been allowed to see Ashlee and Kaitlin.

She treasured her few days at home and reported to Vanderbilt that Friday where she found out that her worst fears had been realized and she did indeed have leukemia. She would have the weekend with her family and then go to Vanderbilt for one month of chemo.

I believe that had I gotten that news I would have melted into a puddle but Jenna is strong. She teaches me daily about strength and courage and faith. She went home spent a good weekend with her family and nursed her baby for the last time and reported to the hospital Monday.

Her Mother and Father have come to town and are helping them and I don't know what they would do if not for that. The rest of us are doing what we can and one of the most important things is to pray and I just ask that if you are reading this, you stop and pray for Jenna and for her healing and for her family.

Thank you!

A fun Day

We had a pretty fun day! The girls and I went to church and all had a good time, we had a relaxing afternoon, then took a walk this evening. The weather is so perfect! It's finally in the 70's!!!!!!

Tonight, our friends/neighbors Daren and Vanessa invited us over. They have a fire pit in the backyard and were roasting marshmallows!! Daren made up some silly songs and played guitar.

The girls had been saying how they'd never gotten to roast marshmallows over a fire everytime they see someone on tv doing it, so now they can't say that anymore!

But they have something else they're talking about now, we're going to camp out soon at Daren and Vanessa's. They said they have a two family tent! Two rooms and then a room in the middle for eating and playing games.

I LOVE The fall! Friends and fall is a perfect match :)