I'll Hold You in Heaven (Squishy's Story)

For anyone who didn't know, almost 2 weeks ago, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. Dan wasn't convinced just yet because the line wasn't very dark and I was apprehensive because I'd never experienced the line not getting darker with time.

To try to make a long story short I took at least one test a day for the next few days and the line never got darker.

I went and had a blood test done and the numbers (after two days of waiting) were in the ballpark of where they should be so I began to get excited.

We began to tell people and the girls were so excited. They wanted to give the baby a nickname and "Squishy" became the name - it's out of the movie "Nemo".

Then just a week and a day after taking the first test, I began having spotting which got heavier and lasted 4 days. It was heavy enough at times to make me really worry that all hope was lost.

However, at times throughout, I felt tremendous peace that everything was ok. As you probably know, I have to really work hard at not stressing and worrying about medical/health issues so this was a really tough time. I really wanted this little baby but something in me was afraid that if the pregnancy continued, there might be problems with the pregnancy/baby and it litlerally had my blood pressure up and my body stressed to the max.

Even after giving it to God, I still kept taking it back and worrying and stressing, but overall, I knew that we'd be ok and would get through it.

Tuesday I went in for an ultrasound and nothing was detected - no sac, no nothing. They drew blood at the Dr.'s office and told me to come back today for another draw and they would compare numbers.

Rand and I went in today and were told that the doctor was going to call me this afternoon but since we were there, he would come out and talk to me. I knew that that meant that either the numbers were exactly where they should be and so there was no need for further testing or that they were so low that there was no need for further testing. It was the latter.

After almost an hour of waiting, he came and let me go just inside the double doors to tell me that it was an early miscarriage. He's putting no restrictions on me and said that the good thing is we know I can get pregnant. It's God's way and the body's way of taking care of things if there's something not right with the baby. I have to say that if it has to happen I'd rather it happen earlier than later.

And so little Squishy Caboose, We love you and we miss you and we can't wait to meet you in heaven.