I remember

One year ago today was one of the most surreal days I've ever known. I was headed to Ellen's to take her some boxes for their upcoming move, and Chandra called. Someone had called to say that Jenna probably wouldn't answer if we called, she was groggy from meds. We talked about possibly watching the kids so Janna could go check on her. And wondering if we could go later to see her. I dropped off the boxes with Ellen, and then Chandra called while I was still in the parking lot and said that things were not good, and could I meet her over at Jenna's to watch the kids while she drove Janna to the hospital. I remember just feeling fear, and dread. I just remember telling Ellen to pray for Jenna, and I headed to Jenna's.

I remember the look on Janna's face when we got there and asking her "What do you know" I was afraid she'd gotten a call that Jenna was already gone, but she hadn't. Just that the family needed to get there.

I remember that waiting was hard, trying to keep my emotions from the kids. They were all just happy to play together. I talked to a friend who suggested I get the kids together to pray for Jenna. I didn't think I could handle that emotionally but she said "they will always remember, no matter how things turn out that they prayed for their Mom with their friends", so we did.

I remember the phone ringing and the caller ID saying Vanderbuilt. I remember Janna saying "She's gone". I remember saying "Oh Jesus" and just thinking "it can't be" but it was true.

I remember trying to stay sane in front of the kids and trying to not let them know anything was wrong. I called my Mom and she kept me going until Chandra pulled up. She was on the phone and I waited for a few minutes, had Autumn keep an eye on the kids and I went out to try to get a feel for who Chandra was talking to. It was Jacy. I asked if she had heard from Janna since she left (trying to figure out if she knew or not) and she said no. All I could come out with was the same thing that Janna had said "She's gone" We just all cried together, A group hug - two friends together and one on the phone.

I remember wondering how we would hold it together for the kids. I remember looking into their eyes, knowing what I knew and not crying.

I remember the look in Janna's eyes when she and Mark came in. I remember the disappointment from the kids not getting to share Happpy Meals with their friends, and knowing that the disappointment of their life was about to be revealed to them.

I remember driving home and fielding questions from Autumn who knew something was up.

I remember tears and questions and weak attempts at answers.

I remember not believing that Jenna was gone.

Here we are a year later. It seems like yesterday and it seems like years ago.

Tonight we will meet at one of Jenna's favorite restaurants La Siesta to celebrate her life and remember her death and I'm sure, talk about her influence on all of our lives.

We Love and miss you Jenna!