Precious Prayers

Ashlee and Kaitlin spent the day with us today. We had a good day of fun with Chandra, Ryan and Makenna. We went to McDonald's for lunch where it was entirely too chaotic!

It's funny how your impressions change with the growth of your children. When mine were very young, anyone bigger than them was just too big to be in the play tubes. Now than mine are bigger, I'm sure other parents think mine are too big but I look at the ones that are a foot taller than mine and think "they are too big to be in there"!!! Meanwhile, mine are a foot taller than some in there. Oh well. It will be a sad day when they are too old for it!

We went to the Library park and they played their hearts out and then we came back to our house and they played even more.

Tonight, they watched a movie after dinner and got ready for bed.

We have a nightly routine of songs and prayers and a poem and when Ashlee and Kaitlin are here, they jump right in and take part. Tonight Ashlee's message to God was "I Love You, Please take good care of my Mommy". Kaitlin's message was "I Love You, Please take good care of my Mommy and help her not to die again". I told Kaity that you can't die in heaven and that her Mommy wouldn't die again".

Nothing can rip your heart out quite like a precious prayer of a child for the Mommy that they miss who is in Heaven. This got Ashlee and Kaitlin remembering things about the day Jenna died and about the funeral. They amaze me in that they were fine when talking and I was fighting back the tears.

Then Autumn and Breanna started missing Paw Paw (my Dad) and we talked about him for a while and how he used to play with them. I must not have been paying much attention to Rand because he touched my face and pointed to his face and he had a big sad face. I asked if he was sad too and he nodded.

I'm counting my blessings tonight. My brother in law Maurice just recently found out he had some issues with his heart and had a procedure done today for a blockage in an artery. I'm grateful that he did well and is doing well. I think about Jenna and how I miss her and all who knew and loved her miss her, I think about my kids and my husband and my family and I read Jacy's blog before posting tonight and she had a beautiful post about John 3:16 which got me thinking and so I'll finish my post by saying:

Thank you God for all of the many blessings you have given me. Family, friends, and for your One and only Son who you freely gave to live on earth and die on the cross for and becuase of my sins.

My big man!

Rand has been really anti going to any classroom whatsoever since Christmas break was over. He doesn't want to go to Sunday School, Pre-School or the playroom at the Y. He screamed his brains out the first time I tried to get him to go the the one at the Y so I didn't push it. Later, he went in but only if Breanna went.

Two months went by and he started wanting to go in there but it was at times where we either didn't have time or the playroom was closed. Finally, yesterday we went there to swim and he wanted to play and it was opened so he went straight in, didn't look back, no tears, no fussing, awesome!!!!!!! The girls went to their play area so I got to walk!!!!!!! I loved it!!!!!!

Then this morning, he actually said "I want to go to school"!!!!!!!!! He however changed his mind once we got there but didn't put up too big a fuss.

He's been to Sunday School a couple of times in the last month too! He did put up a big stinking fuss the first time but was having a blast when I came back to pick him up, and then this past Sunday, we were walking up to the church and he said "I want to go to Miss Cori and Miss Margie's room (pre-school room). I think the "I DON'T WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL" days are soon to be behind us!

Midnight Concert!?!

This morning around 12:50am to be exact, I slowly awakened to the not so faint sounds of music! My first thought was that Dan had left the video game/tv on downstairs but then realized it was quiet when I went to sleep.

My second thought was that it was later than it actually was and that the girls were up before me and decided to turn on the tv. I sat up and looked at the clock and realized that couldn't be the case!

My next thought was that the people who live right behind us were having a wild party and then I realized we don't have anyone living right behind us! lol

I finally recognized one of the songs as either from my i-pod or the radio so I went downstairs to find out what was going on before it woke everyone else up!

I get to the kitchen to find my radio on at level 20!!!!!!!! Somehow the alarm function had been turned on and set to 12:20 am and it took about 30 minutes to wake me up!!!

Now I'm not one to place blame, but the girls denied it, Rand can't reach it and Dan wouldn't do it because when I called to tell him about it, he said the same thing happened to him the night before and he'd had a similar thought process as to what it was. "He went downstairs to tell the neighbors to turn the music down and found the radio blaring"!! lol Why he failed to mention it to me yesterday I don't know!

Ok so here comes the blame. I know it sounds crazy, but Jenna swore to me that if she died before me, if there was any way possible, she would find a way to "come back and haunt my a**!

I've had at least one other issue with an electronic device that was a little spooky and at least one issue that didn't involve electronics and so I would like to say, "Jenna, if it is you, GOOD JOB!!!!!"

It's Snowing!

Not very much but enough to be pretty!!!! The kids are so excited - well truthfully I am too!! Autumn said "If it keeps up like this, in about 30 minutes we'll have 2 or 3 feet!! lol

I need to go get my camera so I can document it!

?????????

I've been absent from the blog world and a lot has been going on. I think I will only post the highlights and leave out the lowlights!

We had a great Christmas, just spent the day at home and the kids had a blast opening presents and we adults had a pretty good time opening presents too! The kids and I went down to Alabama the day after, and Dan went to Florida on business. We had a great visit with our family.

Breanna turned 7 years old January 13th! It's hard to believe she's 7 already! She is so grown in so many ways and still such a little girl too. I still remember the day she was born. I was so proud to have her in my arms! She was so big too, I was shocked! She was 9lbs. 11oz and 23-1/2 inches long! She is taller than Autumn now much to Autumn's dismay, but whenever she mentions it, Autumn comes back with "Well I'm older"

I love my kids, I love my husband, I love my family and I love my friends and I'm so grateful to be so blessed. I'm making resolutions to focus on the positive, not the negative, to get in shape (We joined the YMCA)!!! And to have "Quiet Time" with God daily. I want to be in an ongoing small group/devotional with other ladies, and basically trust that God is in control and say goodbye to anxiety.

Thanks to you guys who keep coming back to see if I have posted and my apologies for waiting so long to do so! I debated long and hard weather or not to post the negatives that have been going on and finally decided not to.

And once again, I plan to update more often...................................

A Great Night!

Thanks again to those who sponsored me in the Light The Night Walk. It was really a night to remember. So many people gathered together to support one cause remembering and celebrating so many people - people who have gone on and people who are still here fighting the fight, or who are in remission.

I had a few small reservations that it might be too sad at times. It was really emotional for me at a few points but the fun and celebration outweighed any sadness.

It was especially awesome to have Jenna's Mom Janna there to celebrate and walk with us. The spirit of Jenna was definitely with her Mom that night. It was good to belly laugh and dance a little and to feel Jenna's presence.

It was also wonderful to be with so many friends. New friends, old friends, friends I hadn't seen in a while. It was really a feeling of community.

I look forward to walking again next year!!!

Thanks again to the following for sponsoring me in the walk!!!

Chandra and Wayne Harrison, Jacy and Travis Bolin, The Bourque Family, Tamra Thorne, Kay Richardson

Light The Night For Jenna!

October 18th is Nashville's Light the Night walk to support the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. Last year we had thought about walking but decided our focus would be better spent directly on Jenna and her family.

This year we had planned to walk together, with Jenna. Since Jenna has been called home, we will be walking with her in spirit only. I know she will be proud and pleased to look down on the lights carried by her friends, and I'm sure we'll feel her presence there.

I have put up a link on the top right (Just above the Light the Night symbol) that you can click on that will take you to the site where you can sponsor me in this walk!!

Now don't pass out!

Ok y'all, I've suddenly gone into posting madness. I've actually posted 4 things now in just a couple of days!

Does this make up for the huge lack of posting?

Let's hope so!!

Dreams of Jenna

I've now had 4 dreams about Jenna that I can recall.

The first three were shortly after she passed away and the 4th was just last night.

The first dream was that Jenna and I were at a playgroup and the husband of one of the other Moms had died. Jenna was crying and saying "It just isn't fair, how can it be? I can't believe it! He was so young!"

I know that was a strange dream, but I guess in some ways my brain was trying to process what had happened to Jenna through the way I thought she would handle it if someone died. I'm just grasping at straws here, It was strange.

The second dream was that I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Jenna was going to die, and we were together just having a normal conversation and in the back of my mind I was trying to decide whether I should tell her that she was not going to be here much longer. I woke up before I made the decision.

The third dream was one of the most intense. I was in the hospital and had had some sort of transplant from Jenna. I was brushing my hair and glanced down and noticed that the lower portion of my hair looked like diseased blood veins, that's the only way I can think of to describe it, but it was definitely gross and really disturbing. I remember thinking, "It didn't work, she will be devastated. How will I tell her?

So right about then, the door to the room opens and she and Mark and the kids come in. Ashlee and Kaitlin jump up on the bed and Jenna sits down about the middle of the bed and Mark sits on her. She looked at him like "I don't think so" and they laughed and he scooted over. She leaned in close to me and said "Sometime in the next few minutes we really need to talk". and I said "ok" I was thinking I could tell her then that it didn't work.

About that time I woke up, and it hit me that in the dream, I was dying, not Jenna and that was what she wanted to tell me.

Last night I dreamed that Jenna and I were at the grocery store picking up a few things, and again, I had the knowledge that she was about to die, but in this dream, she also had that knowledge.

When we were checking out, I started crying almost uncontrollably. In the dream, I was thinking of how I had lost a dear friend "DeWayne". We had known each other since about 12 years of age and were inseparable for about 5 years, and then visited each other often until the age of 30 when he passed away. I just couldn't imagine what it would be like to lose Jenna, and just couldn't hold back the tears. For some reason, we had to leave the line and go get a grocery buggy (or cart) as Jenna called it, to put the groceries in, and we sat down and I was still crying and right before I woke up, I could hear that she was crying too.

All of these dreams are strange to me, but I think they are all versions of my mind trying to process what has happened.

Oh no she didn't!

This evening around 5:30 I decided that the 1st dentist I took Rand to yesterday morning was probably not going to call to check on him. The second dentist that I tok him to yesterday called to check on him about the same time yesterday.

I called the office of the first dentist and cancelled my upcoming appointment for a cleaning and said that I didn't want to re-schedule and wouldn't be back. I was going to leave it at that as I don't enjoy confrontation and thought that would be that.

Tonight around 8:20 I got a call from this dentist saying that she had received my message and wanted to know if there was a problem. I said "Yes, when we left your office yesterday I felt sick and really just don't want to go back". I know I could have said a lot more than that but didn't want to get into it.

Well she must not have remembered me because she asked when we were there or some question that let me know she didn't know. I told her I had brought my 3 year old in there and that we had left with a hole in his tooth, I had taken him to a Pediatric Dentist who said that the nerve was exposed and there was still decay inside the tooth.

She then asked who this Dentist was and I told her and she said "Oh that's stanard procedure for him. She then asked if I was telling her that "They did a root canal on that baby". I said they did a nerve procedure and capped his tooth.

Then she said "Well you need to check the boards on him. I'm sorry it happened and I'm sorry you went to him". Thanked me for calling and said "Just check the boards" and goodbye basically.

I'm still stunned. Where does she even find the gaul? So of course now I'm wondering which one is telling the truth? I really don't "know" either one of them and how do you "check the boards" on someone? I think that when I call whoever the heck you call to make a complaint, I will hopefully find out who is right.

Not your average ordinary cavity!!

I've known for a while (hiding head in shame) that Rand has a cavity. I could see it in one of his molars. I just couldn't bring myself to bring him to the dentist until last week.

He didn't want any part of it until I told him we'd go see Kaylee afterwards and he happily went back and had his teeth cleaned with that promise!

Today we went back for the filling and he happily went back once again with the promise of seeing Kaylee afterwards!

They started and he was looking nervous and I started telling him what they were doing (trying to get him relaxed) and he was doing well but when they got done with the drilling and put the bonding agent on and stuck the light in there, he started crying and didn't want any part of it anymore.

I picked him up and asked him if I held his hand would he let them finish. They had just said they were almost done right before he started crying. They then told me they would not continue since he had gotten upset.

I had to walk out of there with him having a hole in his tooth. I asked "What do I do if nobody can see him today"? They said get him in as soon as you can. I walked out in disbelief.

They had told me last week that they would try it but if he got upset they would send him to a Pediatric Dentist. I had pictured that if he were to get upset, it would be at the start, not after the drilling and was just in shock that they would let us leave after the drilling.

I came home and checked to see what doctors were on our insurance and a name caught my eye that a candle customer of mine had told me about just this morning and told of how great he is with her kids.

Dan had also done some contract labor on a kiddie ride for him and had said he seemed really nice and that his office looked like a lot of fun.

I called and they got us right in. They wanted to sedate him which was nerve wracking for me but the weighed him and took his blood pressure, measured his blood/oxygen level and assured me they would give him a low dose and especially since he has some congestion.

He didn't want to drink it so they took him back to a different area while I waited and he drank it and got a toy much to his delight.

It took it about 30 minutes to kick in and they let him play in the waiting room that is actually a kids dream come true! Pinball machine, video games, mechanical rides, big screen tv's one on Disney channel, one on Nick Jr.! Legos, all sorts of things! The only thing I didn't notice were books! hmmmmmm

In about 30 minutes they came and took him back without me much to my dismay but they promised that most kids do better without Mom around. They had a tv in the ceiling so that while they were working on him, he could watch Nick Jr.!!

They came to me with an update that they were not going to be able to fill it, it was too deep and that would cap it. It turns out it was a good thing the other Dentist didn't fill it because there was still decay in there! And the nerve was exposed!Also if she had tried to fill it, it wouldn't have lasted long. So they capped it.

I have to say too, Thank you God for not letting the first Dentist touch that nerve that was exposed. And for helping me to not let him have anything to eat or drink!

I was really excited and relieved when the door opened a few minutes later and she came back in to me carrying Rand. He looked like a happy camper and I was a happy camper.

They instructed me to go get an antibiotic Rx filled to try to keep any infection away and to get him some ice cream and gave him a certificate for a free one at Chick Fil A but not to let him eat anything but the ice cream in the next two hours because he might chew the inside of his mouth since it was numb.

We went and got the ice cream and I thought he would be too busy eating the ice cream to notice that I had fries but anyone who really knows Rand knows he misses no fries. What was I thinking? He just started snatching them so I broke them into little pieces he could suck on and quickly packed up and left after getting him a drink, I had forgotten they said he could drink stuff right away!

He fell asleep on the way home and woke up when I carried him into the Pharmacy to get his meds.

He was really excited to show off his new SILVER tooth. Thank goodness it's in the back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm awfully proud of my big man!!!!!!

Now That Winter's Here..........

Ok so obviously winter isn't REALLY here, it was 100 degrees or higher for about two weeks or more, and is still in the upper 90's!!! but year before last (I believe) Jenna was getting in the spirit of the holidays a little early. School had just started back, and she was wanting to put out some fall decorations, and she probably meant to say Fall but said "Now that Winter's here" by accident, and it was a mistake I'm sure she regretted. We wouldn't let her forget it for a LONG time. Anyway, I thought of it the other day and it gave me a good belly laugh, and I thought it would be a good way to start a post.

By the way, I'm well aware of the fact that I promised more frequent posts and that hasn't happened!!! I'm a Blog slacker, what can I say!!??!!!

The days are getting easier, the nights are when I think of Jenna the most, after the kids are in bed and things are quiet. God is good though, and things are often not as raw as they first were. It's still unbelieveable and still painful, but life is going on. I'm trying to treasure the people and things that I treasure, and just grateful to be alive and able to do so.

Autumn and Breanna are back in school and having a good time being there for the most part! Rand has started pre-school and he totally loves going and wants to go on the days he doesn't have school as well!!

I know that a lot has happened in four months that I don't even think I've made mention of, so I will put some pictures up to hit the high-lights - my oldest sister Patricia "Tricia" got married to one of the best guys around "Hal" One of my nephews "Tyler" graduated high school and is about to begin college. Breanna graduated Kindergarten!!

I went away for the first time since having kids "by myself" to Phoenix AZ for a convention for Gold Canyon - the candle company I sell for. That was by the way awesome fun and a much needed break.


Ok so I need to hook up the camera to the computer and get these pictures uploaded so that I can post them here TODAY before another month goes by!

My Friend Jenna

For almost 4 months, once a week or so I would hear from Jenna "You might want to update your blog" or "I was looking at blogs last night and yours is still the same". I would always laugh and say "yeah, I need to do that" but never did. I wish I had just done it. I really enjoyed reading Jenna's blog and will try now more than ever to give updates often.

I miss Jenna and it's hard to believe that she's gone. She was always a phone call or an e-mail away. When we weren't together that is. Everywhere that I've been since moving to Tennessee, I've been with Jenna and it will be hard to re-visit each place without her.

Before moving here, I had pretty much become a home body and when I met Jenna, that changed. She didn't sit still for long and if you were going to hang with her, you'd better get used to moving.

I remember not long after we met, she would tell me of the friends she had already talked to on a particular day and one she had talked to several times, I was surprised and wondered what in the world you could talk to someone about so many times a day.

Before long I called Jenna on the way to or from taking the kids to school, at lunch time, on the way to or from picking up the kids, while trying to figure out what to fix for dinner, and any time anything funny or of interest came to mind and she did the same. She would call me to tell me that the video I'd been wanting to see was now on CMT or to tell me something funny the kids had done or just to share her day.

We were shopping together when I got the call from my sister that my Dad was probably not going to make it through the night. I had driven us there in my van and she just immediately took care of me, she drove us to get the kids something to eat and back to my house and tried to comfort me and listened to me cry.

Well I'm crying again and this time the tears are for Jenna. She has left for a better place with her sweet baby Will and I'm wondering what I'll do without her. I know that I'm hugging my kids tighter and all who are close to me. You really never do know when the day will be your last and I'm trying to do like she did and live life to the fullest.

Prayers to all of us who knew and loved her.

Thank you Jenna for the time we shared. It was almost 5 years but it was a lifetime.

I love you girl!

Barbara

Happenings

I don't remember if I posted here or somewhere else about my sister (the middle one) Debra but a while back she had a mystery illness that was scaring us all to death. She couldn't eat, had no energy, and was hurting all the time. The doctors did test after test and finally decided that her gal bladder needed to come out. She had it out before Thanksgiving and was feeling better and then Thanksgiving Day had to go to the E.R. with some pain in her stomach and red puffiness in the area they had taken her gal bladder out and fixed a hernia.

They sent her home with antibiotics and she got better. Thank the Lord!

My Oldest sister (Patricia) and my Aunt LaLa have had lots of breathing issues which is always scary. The winter is a really hard time for them and I'm hoping and praying that they will get some relief and that we'll actually have some mild weather (spring) and that they will do well with it.

My Mom seems to be doing well. She has joined a gym and does water aerobics and walks five or so times a week and really enjoys it. My Aunt and Uncle have joined too and are going some too!

I've started walking again. I've been slacking this week but I took Rand for a couple of strolls last week and walked alone one evening after Dan came in.

Gosh, I've posted so little on this blog! So many things have happened just in the last little while. Jenna is home from the hospital after 2 rounds of chemo and is Cancer free (Praise The Lord)! She's actually been home for a couple of months but I'm just slow!!!

She's also pregnant which is a miracle in itself since she just had two rounds of chemo!!

Rand has gotten his first Big Boy haircut and looks so much older! Makes me sad but proud.

Autumn is learning so much in school as is Breanna. I'm so proud of them both. They are such good sisters too. Rand looks to them almost as much as he does to me for comfort. I'm sure he thinks they are big like us because they are so much bigger than him.

The weather was really pretty today and we went to the park before church. They had a great time!!

Last Wednesday night Dan was working late so I took the kids to church and was resigned to the fact that I'd be pushing Rand in the stroller with Breanna by my side because she hasn't wanted to go into her Wednesday night class unless her friend Olivia was there which was only once.

Well she told me she wanted to try it, and she did and I was so proud! And Rand went into a class, he wanted to, and I was so proud!!!!! So I got to go into my class and I was so excited!!!!!

Tonight we got to see a picture of our Pastor and his wife Amy's new daughter that they have been in the process of adopting from China for 2 years! They should get her soon!!!! They have named her Jadyn Grace and she is 11-1/2 months old and is beautiful. I can't wait to see her in person and hold her.

Ok I guess that's enough for now. I'll go ahead and post this and add pictures! Oh yeah, we got some snow this year!!

Chandra Had Her Baby!!

I think a lot of you have heard me talk about my friend Chandra. She truly is one of the best Moms I know and she now holds her precious new baby in her arms! I won't go into a lot of detail but I'll quote from her blog (I hope you don't mind Chandra!!)"Two years ago at this time, we were contemplating our first IVF. Last year at this time, I was newly pregnant from my second IVF. This year, after our third IVF, I get to have a baby! Modern Science and Miracles all rolled into one precious bundle of sweet baby girl."

I just have to say "Praise the Lord"!!

Her name is Makenna Brette and she weighed 6 pounds 13 ounces and was 20 inches long! She was born at 7:28am on January 3rd!

Ok so I'm almost a month late with the news. Better late than never!! Congratulations Chandra!!!

Happy Birthday Breanna!

Today Breanna turns 6 years old! It doesn't seem like 6 years ago that I was awakened with the pains of labor!!!

We had a great day, Breanna opened presents at home and we went to Chuck E. Cheese's for a party! We had a great time and Breanna got a lot of the things she's been asking for!!

She had a lot of friends there from school and friends from our playgroup but nobody from our family. That is the one stinky thing about moving away. She did get some fun e-cards though from my Mom and my Aunt. She enjoyed playing them and printing them out.

She also got a card and a check to buy something she wants (or put in savings) from my Mom and she got a game and hat and gloves from my Step Mom in Law.

All in all it was a great fun day.

So six years huh? I hope the next six don't go by as quickly, yikes 12 years old!

Trick or Treat!

We had a great day yesterday! Dan was on vacation so we went to both girls parties at the school. We got to Autumn's class just in time to see her do a book report. That was fun and I got her on video tape. She was glad we were there.

When it was time for Breanna's party to start, I asked Autumn if she was ok with us leaving to go to Breanna's party and she said "No, as long as one of you stays here" and I asked "which one do you want to stay"? and she said "whichever one wants to". Talk about being diplomatic! lol

Breanna's class did a song and dance to Monster Mash. It was really cute. Rand went nuts in her class whereas he was calm in Autumn's. He played with toys, played games with the other kids and hugged Breanna every chance he got.

Breanna was glad we were at her class too.

I'm going to see if I can get a few pictures up in a few minutes.

Last night, Jenna, Dawn, her MIL and the kids and Chandra, Wayne and Ryan came and we had yummy potluck and then hit the streets for trick or treating. It was too cute seeing all the kiddos run for the door.

Rand was loose for the first part of it and the very first house, he ran inside!! He didn't know and we didn't tell him that you just stand at the door, you don't go in.

He was saying Twick O Tweet and Tank You before long! Unfortunately for him he didn't have a candy bag because I couldn't find Breanna's and she borrowed his! He didn't mind though. He did get a sucker and threw it in the street, so it's probably best he didn't have a bag.

I think the girls bags weigh about 5 lbs a piece now so I'm sure they can spare some candy for the rest of us!!

Hope you all had a fun day :)

p.s. It's much later and I've added pictures. The family picture is from November 3rd I think of the fall festival at our church.

Hello again!

So many things have happened since I posted last. I'm sure I won't list them in the proper order, but I will do my best.

The kids and I had a wonderful trip back to Alabama during our fall break. We got to see family and friends, ate lots of good food and got to see one of my nephews "Tyler" play football on a Friday night. He plays for the Susan Moore Bull Dogs and they stomped the crap out of the team that they played - I can't remember the name of the other team but I think the score was 44 to 0!!!! That was a lot of fun.

We also got to see my nephew Austin who has gone to college but came back for the game, and to see his girlfriend Jenna take the Homecoming Queen crown!!

It was a chilly fall night and perfect football weather. It was really fun but sort of sad that it will probably be our last football game to watch there.

The girls enjoyed feeding the horses that live behind my Mom's house and we took some pictures of them.

I didn't get to see my middle sister Debra though. She's been having a mysterious illness, has had numerous tests, and has lost a ton of weight. I can't imagine that in this day and time they can't figure out what the heck is wrong with her. I just pray that they figure it out soon and get her well.

My sister Patricia got to get a kiss from Rand! It was so cute and I tried to snag a picture but he was too quick. I just managed to get the back of his head.

My Mom is doing well and she and my Aunt (her sister) were getting ready for a trip to Orange Beach the next week. They had a blast.

My Aunt "La La" usually gets to stay with us for most of our trip down but she's been having some major allergy issues lately and only got to make a couple of day trips with my Uncle Art to see us. She's having to give herself a shot a week for 3 years I believe to try to get to where she isn't allergic to the things that she is allergic to.

My friend Diana came for a visit and went with me and the kids to see our friend Yolonda. We all went to church and to school together for a lot of our younger years! It was good seeing them.

I'm sure I've left something out from the visit but I'll go on to the next part.

The day after we got back, we got the news that my Uncle Vern from Mississippi had died. He has been in a coma for almost 7 years from an injury car crash.

I'm so excited for him that he's finally in Heaven. We really don't know how much he was aware of during the time after the crash but he could communicate for part of the time.

He was one of the funniest, most loveable people that I have ever known. He always knew how to make you feel better when you were down. My Grandmother was pretty rough around the edges and Vern could change our mood from sad or mad to happy just by taking everybody out in the yard for a game of "Indian Bat Ball" or flying kites, playing video games, or anything else he could think of.

He could take any situation and make a joke out of it. We always looked forward to being around him when we would go there. I know that as much as we miss him, his wife, children and grandchildren miss him even more.

He will be so missed. I know that my my Dad must have been one of the many who welcomed him into Heaven.

And for some happy news........... Jenna is home!!!!!!!!! She gets a three week pass home until the next round of chemo!!!!! We have really enjoyed playing with them again. The girls have been worried about her and were glad to see her too. We've been shopping too which was fun!

ok I know, I've flooded the blog after a drought, so I guess that's all for tonight!

And if you made it this far, you must really love me or your bored. Either way, love and hugs to you!

I'll Hold You in Heaven (Squishy's Story)

For anyone who didn't know, almost 2 weeks ago, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. Dan wasn't convinced just yet because the line wasn't very dark and I was apprehensive because I'd never experienced the line not getting darker with time.

To try to make a long story short I took at least one test a day for the next few days and the line never got darker.

I went and had a blood test done and the numbers (after two days of waiting) were in the ballpark of where they should be so I began to get excited.

We began to tell people and the girls were so excited. They wanted to give the baby a nickname and "Squishy" became the name - it's out of the movie "Nemo".

Then just a week and a day after taking the first test, I began having spotting which got heavier and lasted 4 days. It was heavy enough at times to make me really worry that all hope was lost.

However, at times throughout, I felt tremendous peace that everything was ok. As you probably know, I have to really work hard at not stressing and worrying about medical/health issues so this was a really tough time. I really wanted this little baby but something in me was afraid that if the pregnancy continued, there might be problems with the pregnancy/baby and it litlerally had my blood pressure up and my body stressed to the max.

Even after giving it to God, I still kept taking it back and worrying and stressing, but overall, I knew that we'd be ok and would get through it.

Tuesday I went in for an ultrasound and nothing was detected - no sac, no nothing. They drew blood at the Dr.'s office and told me to come back today for another draw and they would compare numbers.

Rand and I went in today and were told that the doctor was going to call me this afternoon but since we were there, he would come out and talk to me. I knew that that meant that either the numbers were exactly where they should be and so there was no need for further testing or that they were so low that there was no need for further testing. It was the latter.

After almost an hour of waiting, he came and let me go just inside the double doors to tell me that it was an early miscarriage. He's putting no restrictions on me and said that the good thing is we know I can get pregnant. It's God's way and the body's way of taking care of things if there's something not right with the baby. I have to say that if it has to happen I'd rather it happen earlier than later.

And so little Squishy Caboose, We love you and we miss you and we can't wait to meet you in heaven.

I'm Still Here

I have put this off so many times, I guess because I feel like writing it makes it so. Even though it is so. Here goes, Anyone who knows me, knows or knows of my friend Jenna. She is a friend anyone would be blessed to have and I am blessed to call her my friend.

We have known each other four years now - we met shortly after moving to Tennessee. We hang out, watch each others children, laugh, cry, do life together. And our children are friends.

For 3 or more weeks, Jenna began to feel sick. Over time it got worse. I remember her saying she had no energy, and even that she felt like she was dying. I remember saying that she should go see the doctor and she said she was afraid to "but she did go" and that she felt like the cancer was back.

After a long wait for blood test results, she got a call telling her to hurry to the emergency room where she spent too many hours only to finally be admitted into the hospital. She was there four days waiting and wondering. She had a blood transfusion and platelets and a bone marrow draw only to be told that it was either leukemia or a virus.

They wanted to send her straight to Vanderbuilt but someone there had mercy on her and allowed her to go home and spend a few days with her children - Ashlee, Kaitlin and Jake. She had been able to see and nurse Jake in the hospital but hadn't been allowed to see Ashlee and Kaitlin.

She treasured her few days at home and reported to Vanderbilt that Friday where she found out that her worst fears had been realized and she did indeed have leukemia. She would have the weekend with her family and then go to Vanderbilt for one month of chemo.

I believe that had I gotten that news I would have melted into a puddle but Jenna is strong. She teaches me daily about strength and courage and faith. She went home spent a good weekend with her family and nursed her baby for the last time and reported to the hospital Monday.

Her Mother and Father have come to town and are helping them and I don't know what they would do if not for that. The rest of us are doing what we can and one of the most important things is to pray and I just ask that if you are reading this, you stop and pray for Jenna and for her healing and for her family.

Thank you!